Oh baby!

We’ve been keeping a little secret over here and I’m absolutely thrilled to finally share it!

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I am currently 14 weeks pregnant with a sweet little one who will join our crew in August!

Justin and I found out that we were expecting another baby on Christmas morning. I took a pregnancy test before our family Christmas and it was such a sweet moment for Justin and I to just celebrate and be giddy together before all the holiday festivities.

I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t a little apprehensive in the days following that positive test. As I have shared before, my first pregnancy was ectopic and resulted not only in the loss of my baby, but also my right Fallopian tube. I have an elevated risk for a repeat ectopic so my OB now has me come in right away for blood work and an early ultrasound to confirm pregnancy is in the uterus. Seeing that little bean growing in the correct place was such a relief!

Sonogram 1

While I don’t want to turn this blog into a pregnancy-focused space, I do want to spend time documenting this time in my life and I’ll periodically post updates with how things are going. Today I’m just going to recap the first trimester and all its glory. 😉

Beach Family of Four

Symptoms/How I’ve Been Feeling

I’m not going to lie, this has not been the easiest three months for me. I was hit with nausea (I don’t bother calling it morning sickness – it comes whenever the heck it wants, whether I’m out grocery shopping on a Wednesday afternoon, laying on the couch at 9:00 pm, sitting in church on Sunday morning, etc) around 5 weeks and it really didn’t ease up until this week. I had a hard time feeling hungry/working up an appetite and often settled on something bland like a plain bagel or crackers. I would say it was harder to deal with than my first pregnancy because this time I had LJ with me all day. Throwing up is no fun ever, but it’s really no fun when you had to grab a toddler and bring him into the bathroom with you. Ugh. I also experienced a lot of fatigue, which was consistent with how I felt while pregnant with LJ. Again, the difference is when I was pregnant with him, I could come home from work and nap for 3 hours if I needed to. Now I had a toddler with me all day and while I could sometimes nap when he napped, I often felt super tired.

Sonogram 2

Energy/Workouts

As I just said, I was hit with quite a bit of fatigue so my energy was pretty low for the first 8-10 weeks or so. I took advantage of laying on the couch whenever I could and LJ would bring me books to read to him or we would curl up and watch one of his little shows on TV (#noshameinmymamagame!) most days. I would sleep in until he woke up (usually around 8) and if possible I would nap when he napped. Luckily, the past two weeks I have felt a return of energy and I’ve been able to sleep less and actually get up before LJ does to get some things accomplished before he wakes. Even though my nausea stuck around longer, I’m glad my fatigue at lessened! I’m excited to finally feel more energized!

I did keep up with my workouts for the most part thanks to the Expecting and Empowered Accountability Challenge, although there was one day where my sickness was just so severe I could not get the workout finished. I also had an unfortunate incident one evening where I misstepped coming down the stairs and twisted my knee pretty seriously. I have a history of knee injuries and surgeries and I think the relaxin hormone that increases in the first trimester of pregnancy loosened up my ligaments to the point where my knee was far less stable than normal and this misstep had drastic consequences. I am still not back to 100% but I have been resting my knee and taking it easy and I am seeing improvement, though it’s meant I have had to ease up with exercise.

Food Cravings & Aversions

I wouldn’t say I have had aversions yet, although I have had some smells hit me and just immediately make me feel sick (everything from Justin’s dinner ribs to peanut butter to Cheez-It crackers; it’s very strange!). I have been craving sweet and salty things though and it’s been a struggle to focus on eating vegetables and not just crackers and chocolate.

Sleep

I am a stomach sleeper, so it’s hard to transition to other positions. When I was pregnant with LJ I transitioned to using a Snoogle sleeping pillow around 9 weeks pregnant and this time around I think I started right at 8 weeks. I love that I can wrap my body around it and *feel* like I’m sleeping on my stomach when really I’m mostly on my left side but just tilted onto the pillow. It makes a big difference for me! For the most part my sleep hasn’t really been disrupted by the pregnancy yet which is awesome.

What I’m Looking Forward To

No more nausea!!! 🙂

I feel like my bump is starting to show (more than just a food baby) and I’m excited to watch it continue to grow. While I don’t love every aspect of pregnancy, I sure do love rubbing that growing belly! I’m also excited to transition to maternity clothes. My jeans are getting pretty snug around the waist and the hairband trick just isn’t cutting it anymore. Bring on the comfy stretchy pants!

Boy/Girl Predictions

I have NO guesses. When I was pregnant with LJ I had two very realistic dreams that we were having a boy so I was pretty sure all along he’d be a boy but so far this pregnancy I haven’t had any baby dreams. I don’t have any gut feelings at this point. Justin and I didn’t find out the gender our first pregnancy and it right now we’re leaning towards not finding out again so we’ll see!

LJ’s Awareness

Little man has no idea what is going on. We took him to the ultrasound but he honestly wasn’t even looking at the image and was way more fascinated by all the machine’s buttons. He likes playing with the sonograms though!

Lj with ultrasound

Misc Stories

My original due date was calculated for September 4 (we joked we might literally celebrate Labor Day this year). We’ve had two ultrasounds now and baby was measuring ahead both times, so the OB actually changed my due date to August 28. It was pretty fun to bump up a week and anticipate meeting our little one even sooner!

When I was part of a local breastfeeding support group, there was another little boy with the exact same birthday as LJ. His mom and I were both September 1988 babies and we both got married in 2013. We joked that we were basically leading twin lives. Once I announced my pregnancy on social media, she told me she was also pregnant and her due date is three days after mine! I mean, how crazy, right?! Twin lives – ha!

And that’s a wrap on the first trimester! So so thankful for this baby and the fact that we are ⅓ of the way to meeting him or her!

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While we are so excited for this new little life, I know that for many, announcements like this are bittersweet at best and agonizing at worst. A huge part of my heart goes out to all who are enduring the pain and struggles of pregnancy loss or infertility. I have felt the feelings of injustice to be denied what I most wanted, the ache of empty arms who long for a baby to hold, and the sting of another person’s happy announcement reminding me of what I had lost. It is a pain that no one should have to endure and my heart breaks for all who experience it. If you are struggling with infertility or loss of a baby, I know there’s nothing I can really do or say to take away the grief and ache of longing, but I want you to know I acknowledge you and am sending you love and holding you tight in my prayers. I hope that our journey gives you hope that your story isn’t finished.

Remembering My First Baby

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day, and is part of October’s Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a loss – this is my story.

October 14, 2016 started as a day just like any other except for the fact that Justin and I were keeping a big secret – I was eight weeks pregnant!

Baby #1 Pregnancy Test

My first official ultrasound was not scheduled until ten weeks, but I had no risk factors or symptoms to indicate things were going any other way than perfectly. Justin and I were over the moon and could not wait to share our news with the world.

Baby #1 - 5 weeks
My first “bump” tracking picture @ 5 weeks

This particular day was a Friday. I had just finished eating lunch in my classroom and headed to the copy room make a few quick copies before my next class. As I was walking down the hall, I realized I felt sick. VERY sick. I immediately changed course and headed for the bathroom.

From there, things quickly spiraled downhill. I didn’t just have a little pregnancy nausea; I experienced an extremely violent sickness. I will spare you the details but suffice to say it was worse than any other illness I’ve ever had. By the time Justin got off work, I was also experiencing searing side pain. He immediately rushed me to the ER where an ultrasound confirmed terrifying news: my pregnancy was not going as perfectly as we had thought and our baby was not growing in my uterus but actually within my right fallopian tube – a condition known as an ectopic pregnancy. To make matters even worse, my tube had ruptured and was causing a very serious amount of internal bleeding that was life-threatening to me. I was immediately taken into surgery to remove the pregnancy and stop the bleeding.

October 14, 2016 marks the day we lost our first baby. It was, quite honestly, the absolute worst day of my life.

Waking up from surgery was like waking up in a nightmare. I was devastated by our loss and also in a tremendous amount of physical pain. I had to undergo four blood transfusions due to the significant blood loss from the rupture. I couldn’t even sit up without passing out. And perhaps worst of all, I was in so much pain that I couldn’t even cough without having to brace my abdomen with a pillow, let alone do what I really wanted: scream, howl, and ferociously ugly cry to mourn the loss of my sweet little baby.

The days and weeks following my surgery were full of sorrow and recovery. I took ten days off work and spent my time lying on the couch with my dogs snuggled up beside me, my eyes puffy and red from constant crying. I wouldn’t wish the pain and sadness of those dark days on my very worst enemy. My long, slow journey of healing had only just begun.

Baby #1 - hospital bed
The first small step towards healing came when I woke from a nap and realized Justin was sleeping next to me in the hospital bed, holding my hand. The road to healing would be long and difficult but in this moment I was so thankful that we had each other to lean on.

It is hard to describe the roller coaster of emotions that come with the loss of a pregnancy. One moment you can be numbly watching Netflix on the couch and in the next moment you’re screaming and crying into a pillow over how unfair life is. You might see a pregnancy or birth announcement on social media and try to conjure up happiness for the other person but you really just want to smash your phone into a thousand little pieces because you desperately want to be able to make that announcement too. You finally get up the energy to leave the house for a much-needed date or outing with your husband and you enjoy yourself, only to post a picture and then feel like a fraud because your marriage looks perfectly together online when in reality you’re both just trying to deal with your grief and make it through one day without breaking down in tears over the “what could have beens” for your family. You aren’t sure if you will ever really feel like yourself again and wonder if this cycle of anguish and heartache is just your new normal.

Then finally…finally…you have a day where you are truly okay. And then another day when you’re okay. And then another. And suddenly, you’re just okay. Until you’re not. And then you have a hard, hard day where grief encompasses you all over again. But this time, it’s a little easier than your last hard day. You get back to being okay a little bit quicker. And the long cycle of healing continues.

Justin and I are so grateful that we were able to get pregnant again (a miraculous story for another time) and did not take a single moment of my second pregnancy for granted. We welcomed LJ into our lives with so much joy and tears of happiness and gratitude. We are so in love with him and so SO thankful to be his parents. But this doesn’t erase 100% of the grief from our first loss. Two years later, reliving it all by writing this blog post has brought me to tears several times. When I was pregnant with LJ, I cried during the Mother’s Day church service and again on our baby’s due date (May 25, 2017). I still trace the tiny scar on my belly from my emergency surgery – my only physical reminder of the life I carried for eight weeks. And I still hesitate whenever a curious stranger making small talk asks me if LJ is my first because the truth is, LJ may be my firstborn but he is not my first baby (but it’s way too heavy and complicated to explain to a stranger making small talk that my first baby is actually waiting for me in the arms of Jesus so I just smile and say “yes” and walk away with a twinge of sadness in my heart).

Pregnancy loss is an ongoing journey. It’s messy and hard and multi-faceted. If you are struggling with the loss of a pregnancy or infant, know that you have been in my thoughts many, many times over the past two years, even if I don’t know your name of your story. I am praying for you and sending you so much love. You are not alone.